Even though I could still pack a class FULL and had a full roster of clients, I just didn't feel "good enough". I was comparing myself to other competitors or trainers who kept their svelte figure year round, judging myself for my suddenly robust shape. It didn't matter to me that I was still strong as hell or fast or had amazing endurance or that my body had just gone rogue! I wasn't a size I liked.
Really Tristan, Really? You f*#$i&G HYPOCRITE!
Despite my loved ones reassuring me that it didn't matter, that my work for others spoke for itself, to ME it did matter! I knew If I had seen me 2 months post contest I would have thought WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO HER?! Sad face. As a relatively introspective individual I know others weren't constant judging me but as long as I was judging myself it felt like the whole world was as well.
For someone who leads a ridiculously clean lifestyle and loves fitness I was at a loss as to why or how this had "happened" to me. Well, after seeking professional help and taking a $1000 worth of (additional) blood-work and discovering all these other things that were going on with me aside from the whole Thyroid thing, it became perfectly clear by combing through my family medical history, that I was genetically predisposed to ALL of the things I had been diagnosed with, they had just hit my body all at the same time! Yes these things had been aggrivated and magnified by my extreme training and dieting but it was not the cause of them. It wasn't that competing had "done" this to me, it was that through pushing my body to the absolute limit during the same three years that my body was going through a very big change, I had created a perfect storm in my body ( a shit storm more like)! Welcome to your early 30's Tristan. Gee, thanks.
So I got to work right away. Not only did I continue to work with an amazing homeopathic Doctor but I sought out someone I trust to oversee my road back to training and to help control my low blood sugar issues. I got to work healing my body with supplements ranging from selenium to Guggul! I cut my working out down to lifting weights 2-3x a week and cardio 2-3x a week. Was I going to lose weight on this regimen? Hell no! But the plan was to improve my health, not get my tiny ass back.
R.I.P. Tiny Ass.
I'm currently into the middle of my 5th month post-contest and diagnosis. My energy has increased dramatically. I have my strength back and I'm back to bodybuilding, actively putting on muscle while healing my body through food and supplementation. I look forward to competing again and am thankful to have learned why this happened and not have to blame it on my passion.
I've ALWAYS been on the other side of this. I've always had to use my brain and my experience to heal others... high blood pressure, hypothyroidism, severe spinal injuries, you name it! That's why when I get someone who merely wants to lose weight or "get toned" it's a cake walk! Being on this side of things has sunk me deeper into my passion for helping and healing others. It has forced me to further not only my education (studying this stuff is a full time job in its own!) but deepen my compassion for my clients who lose control of their own bodies. This sucks. It is hard, but there is hope in the science it takes to heal thyself.
God doesn't give us anything we can't handle.
Everything happens for a reason.
I'm on my way. I still have a lot to learn as far as "loving myself" no matter what size 'Lulu's I'm in, but as a woman that may be something I'm dealing with for quite some time. The point is the Universe keeps sending me the same message over and over again: I AM A FIGHTER INSIDE AND OUT AND NO MATTER WHAT THE OBSTACLE, I WILL FIGURE OUT A WAY TO POWER THROUGH IT. This realization is a gift. Fighting is exhausting but I'd rather be a fighter then a 'Taker' OR a 'sit-around-and-wait-er'! Wouldn't you?
Keep pushing,
Your Trainer Tristan
xo
